I’ve been really adrift for a while now. I feel lost and pretty helpless with how things are going with my life. I’m lonely. I honestly don’t feel like I click with most of my friends anymore and lord knows I haven’t had a proper relationship for some time. I think I have been really aware of it for a while now but school kept me just busy enough to ignore it. Now that I have nothing to do with my time it has been very apparent. I’d like to think it’s just a rut but it’s a long rut.
There really isn’t anybody I care to talk to about it because I don’t like being perceived that way. It’s just kind of hard. I think people have this idea of me as being a strong and independent full-force confident person. I am that person sometimes. But I’m still a person. I’m weak and vulnerable and I want to be loved by someone. I want to be successful and I want to exceed expectations. It’s just kind of like I’m running toward a light at the end of a dark forested tunnel but I can’t ever reach it. That sounds really dark and twisted but maybe it’s a dimly lit tunnel. Not completely dark and hopeless. There’s wildlife and shit in the tunnel that kind of helps me out from time to time to let me know I’m not ~completely~ alone. This metaphor is weird but it’s what comes to mind at 4 in the morning.
Most of the time I feel like I’m just in the in-between of everything. Smart but not super smart. Attractive but not WOW attractive. Cool but now “I REALLY WANT TO BE HER” cool.
I really don’t like to talk about it because it makes me feel like an angsty teenager. Those years are long gone. Obviously it could be a lot worse but it still sucks.
Being a 20 something is taxing.